Christmas Time for the Jews

Oh you can feel it in the air, its that time again. Its the time where Michigan fans still feel they haven't lost a game yet this year, they've just run out of time. A time where the Lions are so far out of contention they've already booked their Hawaii vacation for February. Not to mention an unusually high amount of breakups and an unusally low amount of new dating. But this time more than ever is a chance to recognize a group of people that we have taken for granted, and those people are our loveable friends the Jews. Now as I hope you know we just ended Hanukkah and I just wanted to pay our good friend Lee's people the respect they deserve. So lets gather around the golden minorrah, proclaim someone the Hebrew Hammer, sip on some zima, crank the Barbara Striesan, and talk about how all Palestinians are cock sucking son's of bitches. Because of them we all feel better about the size of our snoze even if it means our interest rates are through the roof. And I mean who else could make millions for a show about nothing. So without further ado watch this next video to find out what all the Cohen's, Levi's Bernstein's, and Rosenburg's are up to this holiday season.

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

Oh such simple observations from such a simple man. Berti at first upon reading your riveting blog I thought that these matters should be settled outside in the parking lot in a gentlemanly style. But then I quickly realized that your ever shortening leash would not allow you partake in such a masculine endeavour. By the way I heard you have been summoned to purchase some Tiffany, guess your going to have to make it rain 200 times. Anyways, I have to say that I agree with some of the statements. Yes you are right, we as humans grow in different intervals, because different events shape each of our character in different ways. Therefore in your case your ego grows increasingly large, but it pales in comparison to the size of ever expanding vagina. For Berti I do not attribute your lack of swearing to your enormous vag but a consistent hiding from who you are and what you do. Recently you have been putting up a facade that you attribute to your so called "maturity" but rather it is your fear of your own change. For you want people to see you as you were sweet and innocent, but the problem is your running through a cliff of rye and Holden isn't there to catch you.
Berti I didn't know you in eighth grade therefore I can not comment on the changes you have made in your life, I can only comment on mine. For I have learned that there is only one person that we change for and that is ourselves. Because when we look in the mirror we aint fooling anybody, for at the end of the day the only opinion that counts is our own. So while everyone thinks they're clever as fuck and using the old DPC is gay joke I will just quote the former David Uberti by simply stating "I don't give a shit". Berti why do you keep pounding this gay card, do you want me to be gay? I distinctly remember you professing your love to me and then making a move at my giant vagina loving cock, and no I don't giggle my ass off when it is the truth. Because I know I am not gay and I'm proud of the person I am, and if anyone doesn't believe it then fuck them and have a nice life. Because at the end of the day life is too short to waste on people that you don't respect.
So I leave you as always with a video that I feel is very representative of our situation. For you are the giant vagina unaware of yourself and your insecurities forced to lash out against those who mean no harm. After this Berti don't be mad but rather thank me because I have allowed you to plunge off that cliff and rediscover who you really are. So I believe this saga will have to end in the teachings of the very wise and noble Michael Scott we just gotta "Hug it out bitch!"

One Liners

Most of you already know that my one line capabilities have been widely publicized. So with the help of KDubs I have put together all the funny lines that I can remember. So enjoy part 1 of the truth by DPC.

• She must have wanted that like its extinct
• It's like Fort Know trying to get in here.
• I said BITCH!
• Even a blind squirrel can find a nut.
• She's as easy as Etymology.
• Damn Kyle it is just redonculous just how much I am dominating you. You're not even decent.
• Nuge, you just have a genetic disadvantage when it comes to driving.
• Bitches get ready its Rolling Stones Friday.
• Zephyr, I mean that car just screams Star of David.
• Andy you cheap bastard use your own phone.
• I did it too perfectly.
• I'm a tit man! Hold up there on the TV.
• What the hell do you do to pancakes?
• Summers your like Buddha, Confucius, Allah, and Jesus rolled into one.
• Lee I can recognize you van anywhere, I mean looks like its straight out of Baghdad.
• I heard he's got a legend in his pants. Jelso "What, you mean a map key?"
• Berti why are you always on the skins team?

Let me remind you this is only this is only the first installment and this list will only continue to grow. But before I leave I got to say one thing that's on my mind. That is that I am upset with the recent trend of my friend Dave Uberti's blog. I mean I thought his motto was that he do whatever the fuck he wants, but lately his blog has been very PG. My hypothesis is that Berti is becoming a blog whore, this disease is uncommon and only happens to about 8% of blog owners. He has shown the key symptom which is releasing his blog to his entire family, and everyone he has ever met. Quite frankly he seems only to be concerned about the number of views he gets. I was especially disturbed with his latest post and the absence of commentary about a Saturday night. So Berti ball is in your court, and it's time to choose between quality or quantity.

On to my, video which this time I have to give much of the credit to EMaise who has been on my case to check out the Whitest Kids U Know skits. So without further hesitation witness the legend of the Slow Jerk.

P.S. Shout out to Tim "Bones" Hasse, who dropped a cool 11 points in limited playing time because his team was just raping South Lyon. Eric what can I say other than hats off for a solid pre-hydration.

What a Weekend

Well this was a pretty good weekend and I just wanted to give my two cents on how it all went. Everything started off Friday with some intense hockey action. Now one may have noticed Adolf Massey was just on everyone like a hawk, just ripping all the enthusiasm out of the Northville supporters. By the way I want a minimum of one person kicked out of soccer games next year from the OCS, because we don't bow down to anyone. Alright enough of my propaganda, but unfortunately boys Northville lost and we were faced to go play laser tag with a sour taste in our mouths. When I finally get there, no help to Summers and his great directions, I realize I was among the biggest collection of losers and child molesters known to man. While we were waiting the creepiest guy just stared us down without blinking for a solid 10 minutes, I think Andy was the only one that liked it. Then we met a kid that worked there and he looked like he slept in a cage in the back of the store. I was almost tempted to look around to find an elephant person locked away because this place was just crawling with freaks. Once the game started I felt like I was frickin Rambo out there gunning up everyone in my sight, until I realized that the people were on my team. Yeah I guess you could call me a nube. I mean I think I am just genetically bad at laser tag, because no matter how sweet I think I play I always, as hardcore taggers would say, get pwnd.

So on to the good stuff. Saturday was an absolutely crazy one, not only was every favorite in college football getting upset, but my man KDubs was actually decent at video games. To explain the night I will just describe what it is that I learned. First, I learned that Berti has crazy climbing and burrowing skills that resemble a chipmunk. Next, we all accepted the fact that KDubs is indeed a legit 180 lbs. Something else that came to fruition is that Jelso is the same old Jelso no matter what the circumstances. I mean you can just count on him just being one crazy motherfucker 24 hours a day. Furthermore, getting to Pluto is frickin impossible and I don't know how anyone can do it. Also my man Berti is one hell of a story teller and whatever he has to say you better listen to. I however am still unsure about what to do about my MTL logs though. I tried getting some help from Julie, but all I remember was something about cakes and then Jelso wanted cakes and I'm still clueless as to the how Kafka relates to cakes. Finally and most important I learned that Dave Summers is a combination of Buddha, Confucius, God, and Allah rolled into one to form a super person. I mean Dave was better at everything Saturday night, if we would have given him enough time, cancer would have had a cure. So if anyone sees Dave in the halls just go up to him and congratulate him.

P.S. Words of Wisdom don't have 20+ people waiting at your house for breakfast after you have a lot of fun the night before.

Alright my video for this blog comes from the up and coming solo artist Riskay. I first heard this on the 89X morning show, and I couldn't believe it was real. Then I searched it on Youtube and saw that somebody put this hilarious Sims video to it. Anyways this one is for Berti and getting caught with his shirt and various other pieces of clothing off.

How Bout Some Football

The coming of Thanksgiving means two very important things, turkey and football. So naturally I could only fill my football craving one way, by jackin up some fools. So Saturday was the day us guys had planned to let of some steam and play America's true pastime. So when we get out there it is like 30 degrees the field is frozen, but we didn't care, we just wanted to play.

So the game starts off with me, Summers, Berti, Emaise, and Noel on one team. And Lee, Kdubs, Tripp, Jelso, Girbach, and Mr. Football himself Chris Ciric on the other. Even though we were one man down, we felt as if we were the superior team. Anyways, game starts quick with Dave Uberti aka "I'm so much better than Chew" unleashing a cannon down field to a streaking DPC, with his above average speed, who finishes it off with a beautiful touchdown grab. "Seven nothin bitches" we could already see the vulnerability in their eyes. The game continues and both teams trade touchdowns making the game a little more interesting. Next the other team punts the ball off to us, and I am feeling like Triple T Terry Tate barreling down the field looking for some heads to hunt. Guess who shows up in the cross hairs, tennis boy (we will leave religious denominations out of this, thank you Jelso) Lee . So his side of the story is that he didn't see me but it really doesn't matter because we were both coming head on and alls I know is that I just lowered the shoulder and just watched him fly. At first I felt bad because I was fearful that I broke his jaw, but then I realized that I had done what I craved to do, jack up someone's shit. The rest of the game was really a blur, I remember tons of scoring, Berti getting a million interceptions, Jelso being in a pissy mood, myself almost tearing Girbach's ACL, and after it all I was bleeding and I had a scar. Next I will break down everyone's play on Saturday.

Myself: One word INTIMIDATION

Berti: Gunslinger, free safety combo who has a knack for the big plays one negative is his refusal to host the postgame party.

Summers: The man just loves to truck people. He impressed me with his ability to break tackles(must be those long hours at the Planet), always looked for the extra yard even if it meant he had to run an extra 30 yards.

Emaise: Solid player in every phase of the game, always would make the sure tackle and had reliable red zone hands. Is he the next basketball switchover a la Antonio Gates.

Noel: Kickoff specialist similar to Devin Hester, could find the open seam and run to daylight. Just needs to work on waiting and setting up his blockers.

Lee: Poor Lee, suffered a setback early in the game when he ran into a train, but remained calm and succesfully manged his team as quarterback with great pocket presence.

Kdubs: The biggest hitter on the other team, I know personally, he is a load to bring down because we all know he is the big 180 lbs. But I know my team couldn't stop and thinking what Kyle would look like in a penguin suit.

Tripp: Impressed me the most, was a dangerous deep threat and had fairly reliable hands around the goal line area. Also had great field presence, unlike Lee, when running around the middle of the pitch.

Girbach: Showed tenacity and dare I say it a few bursts of speed. May have been slightly hampered after his leg almost was split into two.

Jelso: I could never get a read on Jelso, he went from being good old crazy Jelso to all of a sudden wanting to kill me and rip my face to shreds. Have to admit though he had a hell of a touchdown grab when he rose above to snag the ball.

Ciric: Showed his intensity for the game right away when he changed into cleats, shorts, and a Rudi Johnson jersey. Displayed an uncanny knowledge for the game and fended off tacklers with his weightlifting prowess.

I will leave this blog with a little sports and football humor. The next video is mockery of one of the biggest asses in the world Jim Rome done by the always funny Frank Caliendo.

Black Progress

Today I was deep in thought and I came to the conclusion that black people are really funny. And to recognize the overall humor of the black community I have decided to post a video depicting the funniest black man of them all, Chris Rock (sorry Dave Chappelle). So here is a short analysis of black history in the eyes of Chris Rock.

Role Models

People we meet shape our personalities and lives. We call these people who have a profound impact on our character role models. Some people look to the cliche role models such as Ghandi and Abe Lincolns or their parents, hell even Mansouri's role model is Balco man Greg Anderson. But those kinda people don't do it for me. For me the person that has defined my life is that one funny ass black guy on youtube with the absolutely gigantic lips. From him I've learned moral values, how to gain respect, and charisma. So enjoy the first installment of my video posts where I will bring you some random funny shit.

Also there have been some vicious accusations coughKellycough so I may have to install my weekly Heterosexual Porno Pick of the Week until charges are dropped. Does two chicks and a cup sound good to anybody. Stay tuned to see how the saga unfolds. And my final beef, I am more Irish than Nora or Tripp combined, all I have to say is my name, Daniel Patrick Courtney, and it speaks for itself.